Growth Though Words Part 1

While moving into my new spot (YAY!), I have been getting pretty EMO (must be a reaction from purchasing skinny jeans). I tend to cry each day at emotions that I have ignored and turned off that are triggered by movies, TV shows, music, books, poems, letters, etc. My rehab guy says that my senses are coming back and to some extent I think it is true. Not so much because they were drowned out from liquor and drugs, but mostly because in the past 5-8 years I have emotionally blocked out a lot of things because I just didn't want to and wasn't ready to deal with them. I was living a fast life and involving myself in anything and everything in order to stay occupied.

Finally, in the past year, I was broken up emotionally. I've come to realize that not too far from when my latest relationship started did I transition into "survival mode" and never came back. Things just kept getting piled on top of more shit and instead of embracing what was going on, I did what I had to do to get through it all, including drinking and drugs. Eventually, my inner self was lost and my soul was fighting to break through and return to who I really was. I think that for some time I was scared to be true to myself because I hadn't come to appreciate the characteristics and pieces of me. Facing life and all it has given me, is putting me through and takes me to while on my sober journey is very surreal. For the first time in a long time I have all my belongings with me. All my pictures, letters, cards, poems, clothes, music and memories. I've taken the past week to settle in and go through my junk; sorting out what is needed and what is not. In doing so, I've come across a number of mementos that returns me to places I have forgotten, or blocked out. I have come a long way in my 25 years and going through old shoe boxes of yearly tokens have allowed me to appreciate who I am because of where I have been as well as motivate and strengthen me to go where I want to.

I am so thankful for all the blessings God has given me and the people He has put in my life for (as the saying goes) "a reason, season, or lifetime." I have dodged injury and death numerous times because of my shortcomings and risen out of darkness on a few occasions only to be bright as the sun once again. With each challenge, I face it head on and come out a wiser woman. In my classes I listen to people's struggles and adversities along with their triumphs and I smile. As one person put it, "life is not perfection, but progress." I am progressing and growing into a beautiful butterfly, and after my first 25 years, I feel that I am just now breaking out of my cocoon and am ready to spread my wings.