Insanity

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” ~ Albert Einstein



I was his living definition. I consciously awoke as my steel framed black BMW scrapped hurriedly along the side of the neighboring SUV. My mind was in a scramble as I tried to gain focus and explain to myself what had just occurred. In a panic of realization, my foot became steel as I sped off as quickly as possible to regain awareness of what seemed to be a horrible dream that I was all too familiar with. “Oh God, this cannot be happening again!”

It was a beautiful March afternoon in 2008 and I was feeling great about where I was heading. I had been clean and sober for three months, back in the gym regularly and just beginning a path of focus, determination, and self-empowerment. It was at this junction in my life that I became blindsided by love once again.

One sunny Tuesday afternoon I was approached by a fellow gym member while entering the facility. I was startled, yet pleasantly surprised. He definitely caught my attention and my flustered clumsiness was an embarrassing giveaway. Our quick introductions were merely small talk compared to millions of thoughts and questions running rapid in our heads. He politely engaged in a swift series of questions to which I merely brushed off as typical pickup lines from a guy at the gym. His forwardness was impressive, but it was his swagger that charmed me. Intrigued from a distance, I noticed his focus and intensity while working out. He too was observing the same mannerisms with me. It was then that our curiosities got the best of us. That afternoon we exchanged numbers and that same Friday we were on our first date. Since that night, we were inseparable. Fascinated with each other, we obsessively were unable to let each other go. It was then that I knew I was falling in love.

The first month was interesting to say the least. I remember asking him questions about himself and distinctly recall his statement, “Getting to know each other is the easy part!” What a statement. During this first month, I was introduced to his 15 year old son and became aware of a pregnant ex-girlfriend claiming her child was his. It was daily harassment from this woman including phone calls to my number (which she obtained after breaking into his online phone account) and constant knocks on his door throughout all hours of the day and night. This woman was crazy! She imposed threats to each of us individually as well as with law enforcement claiming radical scenarios in order to blackmail him back into a relationship with her. I should have taken heed of this immediate red flag; however my heart had already hopelessly fallen in love with this man. It was a connection I had never experienced before and would have injected it intravenously if it was possible. It was at this time that his ex-girlfriend could no longer stand to be an afterthought and she voluntarily called in a fallacious domestic violence complaint against him. The police showed up at his job and arrested him on an outstanding traffic warrant. While in jail, a second warrant in Kentucky regarding nonpayment of child support for another child he has was revealed. This monumental event in our relationship started the unfolding of a number of lies and hidden deceit on his part. Unfortunately, love is blind.

During his five weeks in jail, we talked regularly and devised a plan to move forward and put all the dramatics behind us. Once released, he moved into my two bedroom apartment where our life together was to consummate. I was working and he was frantically trying to regain his clients again while working as a personal trainer at a gym in Escondido. Within three weeks of freedom he was incurring income, got a phone, obtained a vehicle and was handling business. It was such a relief to know that all the talk while in jail was coming to life.

As the months passed by and the economy was plummeting, my work slowed down tremendously, his monetary contributions become highly inconsistent and it was clear that we needed a roommate immediately to help us out financially. Fortunately, at this exact moment, one of his friends was looking for a place to live. After spending a few nights hanging out with his friend, added to my struggle with sobriety, my gut feeling was this was not a good idea. However, the financial burdens that we were incurring clouded my judgment and I agreed to let his friend move in.

All too soon things began to fall apart. My boyfriend spent more and more time partying and involving himself in a fast lifestyle that I had been all too familiar with growing up. His behavior was abnormal, his priorities in disarray, and our so-called future was slipping away day by day. Having come from an environment where drugs, alcohol and violence were a norm amongst my peers, I immediately noticed the warning signs he was developing. We continuously got into arguments, some verbal – some physical, while I tried to plead with him regarding my concerns and fears. We struggled with money and it seemed to always be the focal point of our anger because he would use his money on things other than bills and necessities. I did what I had to do to try and make ends meet and I felt as if I was being taken advantage of. This caused a huge wedge in our relationship.

One day we agreed to make an effort to get things back on track. I was going to enroll in school and he would take on a second job. Each of us had our individual stresses; he and his “baby mama drama” and me with my schooling. It was hard. There would be good days and bad, but it felt as if the bad days were empowering over the good and we were fighting to stay together.

One night he got a call from his mother to pick up his father (who he had not had contact with in over 10 years) from the bus stop. He needed medical attention immediately and no one was willing to help. That night we took him to the hospital and he was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer. His father is 61. He had no place to go, no money, no food and no help so we took him into our home. It was now four people in a two bedroom apartment and still no money. By the grace of God, my boyfriend got an offer for us to live free in a larger two bedroom place that one of his clients owned. Instead of paying rent, my boyfriend would give the client free training. We gladly accepted this offer and moved in right away. This eliminated a significant portion of our monthly debt plus we still had the roommate’s contributions. Things were looking up! Unfortunately, our situation went downhill. The roommate stopped paying, moved two girls to his room, was dealing drugs out of the house, liquor was flagrantly left out and his father was literally dying on our couch refusing medical attention.

All this was going on while I was fighting to stay clean and in school. I had dropped 20lbs and had not been to the gym in over four months. I was slowly withering away. The final two months was a rollercoaster of emotions as I tried to figure out how we got to this point and if we could ever get back on track. In December, I snapped. I was unable to handle all the stress that had piled up and within 24 hours I had packed up everything in the house, put it in storage, took both cars and moved out. My environment was no longer positive and it was destroying me. I had lost myself. In looking for a savior, I found an empty dream. I was waiting in vain for the impossible.

However, 30 days of separation from my boyfriend induced a trip to Vegas for Superbowl weekend with friends. It was shallow fun. We talked about “us” and how we thought we could finally survive this traumatic struggle for love. We vowed each would honestly try our best to work through our impediments and agreed to get married, move back in together and eventually have children. That following day, back in San Diego, I caught him cheating. His infidelity and ulterior motives were revealed and my heart was irrevocably broken. I was resentful and had animosity towards him and wanted to drown my feelings out. A victim of my emotions, I ingested a slew of pomegranate martinis within a three hour period. How could the man I loved so dearly, my comforter, my lover, my friend, my heart, be no more? I left the restaurant with no destination in mind; it didn’t matter. I didn’t care. I just wanted to go. It was at that moment when it all went black.

My downfall continued three more miles where I finally pulled over. Thankfully, no one was hurt when I hit the car. The police were called, and I was arrested for my 3rd DUI, along with a hit and run charge. My BAC was over twice the limit and I was booked into Las Colinas Detention Facility. It was a place I was quite familiar with. That was my final breaking point. I realized that I was powerless over alcohol - that my life had become unmanageable. I was living Einstein’s theory.

Since that day I have been clean and sober, changed my environment and have been focusing on the positive moves I will do to get my life on a path of success. I have not had any type of contact with my ex-boyfriend or anyone who was associated with him. I have moved into a sober living environment, attend AA and rehab three times a week and continue to go to school. I have lost both my cars, my license and have a lot of legalities to go through but one thing is certain, I am finally free to find myself again and I feel wonderful. Thank God I am alive!